Dealing with Toxic People

[STAND]

Jesus never sought out toxic people and begged them to believe in Him.

He certainly doesn't expect us to waste our time with these people.

So many misguided Christians today preach that we should do everything we can for the toxic friends and family members in our lives. That we should be endlessly patient and continuously forgiving and strive to bring them to God.

This is absolute nonsense. The Bible teaches that we should strive to help, assist and forgive "other believers", but it says nothing of wasting months and years on those general people who are just toxic and cause us nothing but problems. They are wasting our time and our energy and that is exactly what the devil intends for them to do in our lives.

We are to purge the evil from our midst and cut ties with these people permanently. They are Tares that have been planted by the enemy among the Wheat for the very purpose of sidetracking our cause and frustrating our efforts for God. Even if a seemingly devout believer is causing that much strife and stress in our lives, we are to cut them off as well. They are not displaying genuine fruits of a believer and they are not representing Christ in any way.

Free yourself from friends and loved ones who torment your life with poison and heartache. God intends for you to be free of these people and to use your passions and energy for His cause elsewhere.

God bless.

 

[STAND]

God sent us forth as sheep amidst wolves. (Matt. 10:16) Of course He intends us to be discerning about who we spend our time and efforts upon.

The intro to 2 John (KJV) talks about having discerning love as opposed to blindly loving everyone. It emphasizes just how dangerous it is to "float through life with undiscerning love". Yet, this is the message most churches are preaching today.

God expects us to use our common sense. Don't waste another moment on that person who is causing you endless stress and loss of sleep and energy.

Bad company is very detrimental to our mental and spiritual health and, thus, to our ultimate cause.
1 Cor. 15:33

Jesus came to free us from the deceitful expectations of the blinded masses and to give us more abundant life than what is found by those who follow the ways of this world.

John 10:10

 

[CrowCross]

Are you saying we should only preach the gospel once to a toxic person and if they don't want it then we should wash out hands and walk away?

 

[Josheb]

Toxic op.

 

[Josheb]

Jesus never sought out toxic people and begged them to believe in Him.

He certainly doesn't expect us to waste our time with these people.

So many misguided Christians today preach that we should do everything we can for the toxic friends and family members in our lives. That we should be endlessly patient and continuously forgiving and strive to bring them to God.

This is absolute nonsense. The Bible teaches that we should strive to help, assist and forgive "other believers", but it says nothing of wasting months and years on those general people who are just toxic and cause us nothing but problems. They are wasting our time and our energy and that is exactly what the devil intends for them to do in our lives.

We are to purge the evil from our midst and cut ties with these people permanently. They are Tares that have been planted by the enemy among the Wheat for the very purpose of sidetracking our cause and frustrating our efforts for God. Even if a seemingly devout believer is causing that much strife and stress in our lives, we are to cut them off as well. They are not displaying genuine fruits of a believer and they are not representing Christ in any way.

Free yourself from friends and loved ones who torment your life with poison and heartache. God intends for you to be free of these people and to use your passions and energy for His cause elsewhere.

God bless.

Lots of half-truths here.


Everyone Jesus met was toxic, but there is a huge difference between the tax collector and the Pharisee. If God has directed you to go to that person, then it is not a waste of time; in many cases, if not most, it is the missionary who also is the mission field (just ask any missionary).

I wonder who it is that teaches, "Christians today preach that we should do everything we can for the toxic friends and family members in our lives. That we should be endlessly patient and continuously forgiving and strive to bring them to God." The reason I wonder is because 1) I've never heard of anyone teaching any such thing, and 2) the Bible teaches us not to use red herrings. Concerning "nothing of wasting months and years....." I will remind everyone Jesus spent three years teaching twelve men how to be healthy and one of them betrayed him, all of them abandoned him, he reconciled them all to him despite their failure, and none of them proved to be perfect after he left. We were all "tares" at one time and were it not for the endlessly faithful work of Christ we'd all still be that way. I can't find the word, "permanently" used this way anywhere in the Bible.

I'm curious about who it is that has tormenting, poisoning friends because that seems to be an oxymoron.








There's a better alternative. God is a God of relationship. He exists inherently already in relationship, and He has created us to be relational creatures. Life functions on relationships. Relationships function on goals, boundaries, and expectations. Goals are necessary because a person, any person in any relationship must know where they want to go. Simply put, people who don't have goals never get there. Boundaries teach a person two things: 1) identity and 2) right from wrong. Many people do not know or understand #1. That's why their relationships fail and explains the toxicity. I am not you and you am not me. I do not have to think the way you think, feel the way you feel, choose the way you choose, or act the way you act, and the exact same metrics apply to you and everyone else. A variety of problems arise personally and relationally when this is not correctly understood. Boundaries must be firm but not rigid, flexible, but not porous. Rigid boundaries keep a person visiting their problems upon themselves; porous boundaries keep others visiting them upon us. Expectations must be conscious, mutually shared, and stated. When we do not know our own expectations for ourselves and others we frustrate and disappoint ourselves (not just others). When we hold expectation with/for others and our relationships, but those expectations are not mutually shared then, again, we frustrate and disappoint ourselves. The only way to know for sure that our expectations are consciously mutually shared is to speak them and get confirmation.

Scriptures either stating or modeling the above provided upon request.

 

[STAND]

Lots of half-truths here.


Everyone Jesus met was toxic, but there is a huge difference between the tax collector and the Pharisee. If God has directed you to go to that person, then it is not a waste of time; in many cases, if not most, it is the missionary who also is the mission field (just ask any missionary).

I wonder who it is that teaches, "Christians today preach that we should do everything we can for the toxic friends and family members in our lives. That we should be endlessly patient and continuously forgiving and strive to bring them to God." The reason I wonder is because 1) I've never heard of anyone teaching any such thing, and 2) the Bible teaches us not to use red herrings. Concerning "nothing of wasting months and years....." I will remind everyone Jesus spent three years teaching twelve men how to be healthy and one of them betrayed him, all of them abandoned him, he reconciled them all to him despite their failure, and none of them proved to be perfect after he left. We were all "tares" at one time and were it not for the endlessly faithful work of Christ we'd all still be that way. I can't find the word, "permanently" used this way anywhere in the Bible.

I'm curious about who it is that has tormenting, poisoning friends because that seems to be an oxymoron.








There's a better alternative. God is a God of relationship. He exists inherently already in relationship, and He has created us to be relational creatures. Life functions on relationships. Relationships function on goals, boundaries, and expectations. Goals are necessary because a person, any person in any relationship must know where they want to go. Simply put, people who don't have goals never get there. Boundaries teach a person two things: 1) identity and 2) right from wrong. Many people do not know or understand #1. That's why their relationships fail and explains the toxicity. I am not you and you am not me. I do not have to think the way you think, feel the way you feel, choose the way you choose, or act the way you act, and the exact same metrics apply to you and everyone else. A variety of problems arise personally and relationally when this is not correctly understood. Boundaries must be firm but not rigid, flexible, but not porous. Rigid boundaries keep a person visiting their problems upon themselves; porous boundaries keep others visiting them upon us. Expectations must be conscious, mutually shared, and stated. When we do not know our own expectations for ourselves and others we frustrate and disappoint ourselves (not just others). When we hold expectation with/for others and our relationships, but those expectations are not mutually shared then, again, we frustrate and disappoint ourselves. The only way to know for sure that our expectations are consciously mutually shared is to speak them and get confirmation.

Scriptures either stating or modeling the above provided upon request.

No, you're wrong, friend.

You're equating toxic people with general sinners.

Absolutely NONE of the disciples were "toxic people".

Jesus walked away from quite a few toxic people in the Gospels and allowed many to walk away from Him.

 

[STAND]

Toxic op.

Toxic comment that contributes nothing to the thread but general negativity.

 

[STAND]

Are you saying we should only preach the gospel once to a toxic person and if they don't want it then we should wash out hands and walk away?

"And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet."
Matthew 10:14

 

[Josheb]

No, you're wrong, friend.

No, I am not.

You're equating toxic people with general sinners.

No, I am not.

Absolutely NONE of the disciples were "toxic people".

"NONE"? Not even Judas?

Jesus walked away from quite a few toxic people in the Gospels and allowed many to walk away from Him.

Yes, he did and nothing I posted should be construed to say otherwise. Every occasion in which Jesus walked away from quite a few people it can be understood as Jesus applying proper goals, boundaries, and expectations. For example, when Jesus sends out the disciples and tells them to stay in the homes where they are welcomed and depart from the inhospitable, he is applying goals, boundaries, and expectations. Likewise, when Paul says a person must work or he cannot eat, Paul is doing the exact same thing.

Toxic comment that contributes nothing to the thread but general negativity.

Which is why I elaborated in a separate op.


One sign of a toxic person is they attack others when disagreement occurs. They lack eh skills sufficient to discuss differences topically. They employ a variety of methods well-known and well-established to be ineffective, dysfunctional, and wholly unscriptural. They do not keep the posts about the posts. They make the posts about the posters.

No, you're wrong, friend.

Wouldn't it have been scriptural to say, "I disagree, and here's why (and then post the explanation topically)," rather than instantly make this about me and my wrongness? Wouldn't it also be much more scripture and much more likely to bear fruit to delay judgment and gather further information before stepping into God's role as Judge and tell another person he, and not the position, is wrong?


I have three posts in this thread (so far). Count the number of times I personally mentioned you, @STAND. Next, take all of my personal mentions of you, look at them, and count the number of occasions something derogatory was said about you. Now do the same with your posts. Count the number of times I was personally mentioned, and then count how many of them were derogatory.

No, you're wrong, friend.

You're equating toxic people with general sinners.

Hmmm... I am, am I?



I am not wrong, and I am not equating sinners in general with toxic people. I am speaking firmly and steadfastly from explicit statements and overt precedents found in scripture and not selectively used proof-texts that support a narrow view of what is toxic and how to handle it. I also do so having had 40+ years mentoring people in the Church outside of my profession as a counselor and just as many years helping toxic people inside and outside the Church change to become more and more Christ-like. Some won't change. I have also helped many, many, many people accomplish what I assume is the goal of this op: leave unrepentant toxic people. Some of the core effects of living with toxic people for extended periods of times is the toxic make the healthy toxic or, as scripture puts it, "Bad company corrupts good character." Hurt people hurt people (those who've been hurt sometimes end up hurting others, not realizing they are doing so). Toxic people devalue others, and those who have been treated as worthless or worth less (the two are not the same) often end up doing the exact same thing to others.

No, you're wrong, friend.

The first words out of your mouth were judgmentally derisive and abandoned the subject at hand. It porves Post 2 correct. Don't hate me for pointing it out, and don't shoot the proverbial messenger.


The op is good, but not perfect. The topic is one very worthy of discussion but, imo, it is not well articulated. The problems are evidenced in the response to dissent because disagreement need not lead to argument, nor argument necessarily lead to divisiveness. It's quite possible all the posters who weighing in could have 80% or 90% agreement and still have some small portion between. None of us are perfect and that will be reflected in the thread.

No, you're wrong, friend.

Let's try to keep the rest of this discussion about the subject toxic people and a whole-scripture view of when and how to handle them, and not you or me personally (or any other member of the forum). Yes? Can you do that?

 

[STAND]

Which is why I elaborated in a separate op.

In a separate op, huh?

Let's try to keep the rest of this discussion about the subject toxic people and a whole-scripture view of when and how to handle them, and not you or me personally (or any other member of the forum). Yes? Can you do that?

Yeah, ok, mom.

Who voted you as the special moderator of this specific thread?

You've spoken your big peace.

Thanks.

Moving on.

 

[STAND]

"NONE"? Not even Judas?

Actually, NO.

Judas was NOT a toxic person at all. He was just weak of character and flawed in his love for money.

The Bible shows no example of him harassing others or causing anybody specific any stress or hardship.

He was just weak.

 

[eclipseEventSigns]

Actually, NO.

Judas was NOT a toxic person at all. He was just weak of character and flawed in his love for money.

The Bible shows no example of him harassing others or causing anybody specific any stress or hardship.

He was just weak.

Don't fret yourself with the one you are arguing with. You can see this very issue in all his comments.

 

[STAND]

In his great book 'When to walk away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People', Greg Thomas points out the worthless endeavor of continuing to fuss with toxic people.

“Instead of trying to make toxic people happy or satisfied (which is a waste of time, since they can’t and won’t be mollified), live to help reliable people serve and worship God. Our job is to open up new avenues of worship with people who want to reverence God. Rather than living to make toxic people feel good about us, let’s live to make reliable people excited about God.”
― Gary L. Thomas, When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People

Don't waste your time with toxic people.

 

[STAND]

Don't fret yourself with the one you are arguing with. You can see this very issue in all his comments.

Yeah, I recognized the name from previous threads. Ironically, considering his "keep this non-personal" tirade, I'm pretty sure his immediate distaste for this thread was a personal issue with me from the past.

Unfazed.

 

[CrowCross]

"And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet."
Matthew 10:14

Apples and oranges.

 

[STAND]

Apples and oranges.

Bad company corrupts us.

1 Cor. 15:33

 

[CrowCross]

Bad company corrupts us.

1 Cor. 15:33

Jesus ate with the tax collectors.

As I said what you presented was apples and oranges.
The one deals with going town to town proclaiming the Lord and being accepted by the people or not while the other refers to close personal relationships with folks.

 

[makesends]

Jesus never sought out toxic people and begged them to believe in Him.

He certainly doesn't expect us to waste our time with these people.

So many misguided Christians today preach that we should do everything we can for the toxic friends and family members in our lives. That we should be endlessly patient and continuously forgiving and strive to bring them to God.

This is absolute nonsense. The Bible teaches that we should strive to help, assist and forgive "other believers", but it says nothing of wasting months and years on those general people who are just toxic and cause us nothing but problems. They are wasting our time and our energy and that is exactly what the devil intends for them to do in our lives.

We are to purge the evil from our midst and cut ties with these people permanently. They are Tares that have been planted by the enemy among the Wheat for the very purpose of sidetracking our cause and frustrating our efforts for God. Even if a seemingly devout believer is causing that much strife and stress in our lives, we are to cut them off as well. They are not displaying genuine fruits of a believer and they are not representing Christ in any way.

Free yourself from friends and loved ones who torment your life with poison and heartache. God intends for you to be free of these people and to use your passions and energy for His cause elsewhere.

God bless.

What are you referring to by "toxic people"?

Sounds like there's someone you want to relieve yourself from the guilt of still holding a grudge against.

 

[STAND]

What are you referring to by "toxic people"?

Sounds like there's someone you want to relieve yourself from the guilt of still holding a grudge against.

We all have, or have had, toxic people in our lives.

What difference would that fact in my personal life make to this thread?

 

[STAND]

Jesus ate with the tax collectors.

As I said what you presented was apples and oranges.
The one deals with going town to town proclaiming the Lord and being accepted by the people or not while the other refers to close personal relationships with folks.

You're just going to continue to generalize because you disagree. You've been brainwashed by modern corrupt Christendom to believe in "undiscerning love" which the Bible speaks explicitly against.

Tax collectors were general sinners.

They weren't necessarily toxic people.

Yes, toxic people are friends, neighbors, co-workers or family members.

What is your point and how does it discount the OP?

Bad company corrupts us. What is your argument with that verse from Scripture?