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- Jun 19, 2023
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- Kingdom of God
“Love is what you do, not how you feel.” True love has little, if anything, to do with your emotional state. Emotions are fleeting. They come and go. One moment you feel secure and wanted in your relationship, the next moment you feel angry and misunderstood. Emotions are transient, with a half-life measured in minutes. Love, on the other hand, is the solid foundation that endures and supports the emotional roller-coaster of relationships.
If I may be perfectly honest, sometimes I don’t like my wife. There are times when we really hurt one other. But there are other times when we’re infatuated with one another, talking and texting like two people who just started dating last week (despite being married for over ten years). However, through all the highs and lows, through times of security and betrayal, through periods of trust and suspicion, the one thing that endures through it all is love.
Because love is not an emotional state. Love is a verb. It is something you do. A husband returns home after a long, hard day at work, discovers that his wife has had a bad day with the kids, and he tells her, “Go on, get out of here. Go spend time with a friend or something. I’ll stay here with the kids.” And then, while she is gone, he also cleans the kitchen, takes out the garbage, and washes all the dishes. Even though he is exhausted and sore after a hard day, his first thought is for her and the kids. He sets aside his feelings, wants, and emotional well-being for the sake of his wife and kids, putting them ahead of himself, because he suspects that their day was harder day than his. That’s love.
Or a wife is up periodically throughout the night dealing with a fussy baby. And yet, at five o’clock in the morning, she climbs sleepily out of bed, careful not to wake her husband—whom she secretly resents for his sound sleep—and goes to the kitchen to start preparing his breakfast. She would be totally justified if she stayed in bed, but she puts him ahead of herself. That’s love.
Love is putting others first. It’s not about me, it’s about them. When I say, “I love my kids,” I am not referring to how I feel about them but what I am willing to do for them—which is just about anything! I will feel a broad spectrum of emotions with my wife and children, lots of highs and lows, but my emotions are about me. Love is about them.
It is pretty rare for me to feel “in love” with my wife (or her with me, too). But I love her so very much, by which I mean that I would do just about anything for her—regardless of my transient emotional state. Even when I am furious with her, I will still open the door for her. Even when she treats me poorly, I’ll still go to the store and pick up her favorite ice cream. My love for her has no conditions that she must meet. Consistent with the Christian faith that I practice, my love for her is a matter of grace, not merit: I love her regardless of whether or not she deserves it, and even when she doesn’t deserve it. And let me tell you something: She loves me even when I don’t deserve it, which is far more often than I care to admit.
I have often heard a despondent spouse say, “I want to be happy,” which seems to be a common sentiment in our modern Western cultural. But allow me to challenge that with two related questions:
If I may be perfectly honest, sometimes I don’t like my wife. There are times when we really hurt one other. But there are other times when we’re infatuated with one another, talking and texting like two people who just started dating last week (despite being married for over ten years). However, through all the highs and lows, through times of security and betrayal, through periods of trust and suspicion, the one thing that endures through it all is love.
Because love is not an emotional state. Love is a verb. It is something you do. A husband returns home after a long, hard day at work, discovers that his wife has had a bad day with the kids, and he tells her, “Go on, get out of here. Go spend time with a friend or something. I’ll stay here with the kids.” And then, while she is gone, he also cleans the kitchen, takes out the garbage, and washes all the dishes. Even though he is exhausted and sore after a hard day, his first thought is for her and the kids. He sets aside his feelings, wants, and emotional well-being for the sake of his wife and kids, putting them ahead of himself, because he suspects that their day was harder day than his. That’s love.
Or a wife is up periodically throughout the night dealing with a fussy baby. And yet, at five o’clock in the morning, she climbs sleepily out of bed, careful not to wake her husband—whom she secretly resents for his sound sleep—and goes to the kitchen to start preparing his breakfast. She would be totally justified if she stayed in bed, but she puts him ahead of herself. That’s love.
Love is putting others first. It’s not about me, it’s about them. When I say, “I love my kids,” I am not referring to how I feel about them but what I am willing to do for them—which is just about anything! I will feel a broad spectrum of emotions with my wife and children, lots of highs and lows, but my emotions are about me. Love is about them.
It is pretty rare for me to feel “in love” with my wife (or her with me, too). But I love her so very much, by which I mean that I would do just about anything for her—regardless of my transient emotional state. Even when I am furious with her, I will still open the door for her. Even when she treats me poorly, I’ll still go to the store and pick up her favorite ice cream. My love for her has no conditions that she must meet. Consistent with the Christian faith that I practice, my love for her is a matter of grace, not merit: I love her regardless of whether or not she deserves it, and even when she doesn’t deserve it. And let me tell you something: She loves me even when I don’t deserve it, which is far more often than I care to admit.
I have often heard a despondent spouse say, “I want to be happy,” which seems to be a common sentiment in our modern Western cultural. But allow me to challenge that with two related questions:
- What if happiness is an emotion? (It is.)
- And what if emotions are fleeting? (They are.)
